I have some predictions for the Bush years – a rough outline of the next eight years.
2000:
_ Democratic base split by third-party candidate.
_ Republicans elect southern governor with skeletons in his closet as the new president. Bush gives evasive answers on most questions and steals platform ideas from the other party.
_ Democrats denounce Bush as an illegitimate president with all of the wrong values.
2001:
_ 1993 replayed.
_ Social Security privatization fails (� la national healthcare).
_ First major waffle: The new Supreme Court Justice is a Souter conservative, not a Scalia conservative (like the “don’t ask/don’t tell” compromise).
_ Grass-roots mobilization of the left for the 2002 elections begins (just as the Christian Coalition did for 1994).
_ Birth of the “Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy.” Michael Moore produces documentary called “How Bush Stole Florida.” Fringe liberals begin emulating talk-radio hosts of Clinton years. Conspiracy theories about Florida and other Bush debacles circulate.
2002:
_ Special prosecutor appointed to investigate Clearwater, a failed oil well owned by President Bush in the ’80s and operated with loans from his brother’s failed savings and loan.
_ Naderites return home to help vote in the “Class of ‘92″ – fiery populist liberals who storm Congress and trumpet the “Fair Deal for America” platform, which will “limit corporate power and protect the people.”
2003:
_ Special prosecutor appointed to investigate allegations that VP Cheney illegally used his influence to win oil contracts for Halliburton.
2004:
_ Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle, a respectable moderate skilled at striking deals and moving legislation, loses the presidential election. Paul Wellstone, a fiery Minnesota liberal, becomes the new Senate Majority Leader.
2005:
_ Special prosecutor appointed to investigate allegations that donors to Bush’s re-election campaign slept in the newly renamed Reagan Bedroom.
2006:
_ During a deposition on the Reagan Bedroom scandal, Bush’s credibility is questioned. He denies allegations of a 1989 drunk-driving ticket. Perjury alleged.
_ Laura Bush goes on TV to denounce the “Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy” against the Bush family.
_ Democratic majority shrinks in fall elections due to fall-out from their perceived persecution of President Bush. Former Green Bay Packer Brett Farvre elected Governor of Wisconsin with no party affiliation.
_ Bush bombs Iraq to distract nation from possible perjury, but is impeached anyway by a lame-duck Congress. The trial is scheduled for 2007.
_ Speaker Gephardt resigns from Congress.
2007:
_ President Bush acquitted in Senate trial. John McCain is the only Republican who votes to hear more evidence before reaching a verdict.
2008:
_ Hillary Clinton defeats Dick Cheney after a hotly contested race in Arkansas, where Bill Clinton is once again the governor. Arkansas is the closest race in the nation and recounts last a month. Laura Bush is elected as New Jersey’s junior senator.
_ John McCain becomes completely disgusted with U.S. politics and moves to Vietnam, where he and Cindy share a duplex with the man who rescued him from drowning so many years ago.
Alex Small is UCSB grad student in physics.